The Funny Thing About Goals

Is that you never reach them! Well, not how you thought you would, anyway. 

In my experience, when I enter a large project or intimidating job, I need a goal or two to help give me structure. The structure grounds me and reminds me of my "why". A goal or two remind me in moments of anxiety, nervousness, uncertainty, and even panic, that there was a version of myself before this undertaking, and that there will be a version of myself after this undertaking. I am separate from this big scary thing. I can breathe again. The goal gives me pathway to get from point A to point B with a clear vision and a hope for how it will go. 

I draw on this wisdom for myself all the time. I also incorporate this wisdom into my work with my b mitzvah students. 

At the beginning of their process, I have the student + their parent(s) sit down in a meeting with me. We talk about ancient Jewish history, the Torah, the Tanakh, and that big question of "why?" Why is your family doing this? Why is it important to you? Why do Jewish people do this in general? Where'd it come from? Why does it endure? Why should it endure? Why do you want to see yourself and your family as a link in this chain? What are you hoping to gain from the experience? 

Answering these questions, often for the first time out loud and to each other, helps my students + their parents start a new form of conversation with each other. Students begin uncovering their own "why", their own connection to their burgeoning Jewish identities, and revealing new parts of themselves to their parents that haven't had an opportunity to show up yet. It brings the parent-child relationship to a deeper level. It makes sure everyone's on the same page. It starts the process with intention. 

At the end of the process (that is, when my student is just a few days away from b mitzvah day), I always send a little mazal tov email to my students and their parents, reminding them of our first conversation, the intention they'd set for the process and their goals for the whole thing. Each time, I notice that the path toward those goals always ends up winding around and going in different, sometimes surprising directions than where the family initially thought or intended. 

I also notice that it's never quite what one thinks it will be.

We set goals as one version of ourselves. By the time we reach the goal, a totally new version of self has been revealed and incorporated. We may realize, as the goal is reached, that it wasn't actually the true goal all along, or that a different goal would have made more sense. The process itself has changed us, changed our nature, changed the nature of what we want out of the process, and ultimately what we end up getting.

It's a paradox! Because without the goal, we may not have made our way through the process in the first place. Both without the motivation, or the push of a goal, we may not have felt brave enough to take the first step. And without the promise, or the pull of the relief of reaching the goal, we may not have been willing to stick it out. 

Goals are a funny thing! We need them for our process, so we set them, but we never really reach them. A different version of ourselves does. And, the goals themselves often mutate through the process of trying to reach them, too.